


Earth Boys Are Easy

by Rose Emily (toomuchplor)



Category: Smallville
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-12-27
Updated: 2004-12-27
Packaged: 2017-10-11 03:12:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/107714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toomuchplor/pseuds/Rose%20Emily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An expanded AU from my fic "The Trouble With Love". Kal-El goes to Earth in search of...booty.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Earth Boys Are Easy

"I'm going to a wonderful place called Earth," said Kal-El with a wide grin.

"No," said his father, Jor-El.

"Yes," Kal-El countered cheerily.

"Kal-El, you are a strangely demonstrative, blatantly unattractive moron. You will take your place in our family as a politician, as befits you. You will not visit this Earth place simply to satisfy your unnatural desires for physical contact." Jor-El was neatly avoiding each of Kal-El's benevolent attempts at a reassuring pat. "Stop trying to touch me, strange one."

"On Earth, people touch all the time!" Kal-El stated, waving a hand towards some obscene film on their holoscreen. It was displaying — of all the disgusting things — a pair of Earthlings embracing and crying over their long distance telecommunications service. Jor-El was embarrassed to even have it playing in the same room as decent people, but his son was seemingly entranced.

"This is madness," Jor-El said, manfully suppressing an urge to vomit as the humans stroked each other's visages.

"I'm leaving tonight," Kal-El declared brightly. "I want to find this man." And the holoscreen changed to an image of some sort of current events forum, with a slender hairless young human presiding. "His name is Lex Luthor. I have been doing some research and he is very fond of this sexual intercourse that humans engage in."

Jor-El wrinkled his nose. "It is such a primitive method of reproduction."

"Oh, this isn't for reproduction," Kal-El assured his father. "It is purely for pleasure. I wish to lick him all over."

Perhaps, Jor-El mused, it was better that his strange son go and visit Earth. Once the boy actually experienced the reality of this activity he sought, surely he would be properly repulsed and would return to Krypton chastened in all senses of the word.

"All right," Jor-El conceded heavily. "You may go, my son."

"I am eager to try this thing they call 'rimming'," Kal-El beamed. "It is when one human puts his tongue –"

Jor-El hastily interjected. "Promise me one thing, Kal-El, in exchange for my blessing."

Kal-El nodded, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"Would you at least take the time to conquer this planet while you are visiting? We are running low on slaves again, and these humans seem a likely source, if a bit unsanitary."

Kal-El paused, thinking. "I promise I will conquer them," he agreed, slowly. "But only once I have grown tired of this bald one."

"Very well." That should be accomplished in short order, Jor-El thought placidly. He fully expected that Krypton could begin shipping human slaves within a week's time.

After all, how fascinating could one insignificant human be?

***

Lex would never admit it to anyone, but he actually really liked press conferences. He liked being the center of attention, he liked having dozens of people clamouring to uncover his secrets, he liked the quick repartee as he delivered only what information he intended to give, when, and how. He loved the rabid gleam in a reporter's eye when he or she thought that Lex had slipped up, because Lex never slipped up. There was not a single instant of a press conference that Lex had not planned for in advance.

Except, perhaps, this moment.

A large, naked, and floating man was advancing on Lex. It probably was something to discuss with Lex's therapist that he was attracted to this particular hallucination, but Lex had a feeling that they wouldn't get to that point in the therapy until after a lot of ECT and anti-psychotic drugs. Lex blinked at the apparition, and decided to ignore it. It was best to have one's psychotic breaks in a private forum, he'd discovered.

But the rest of the crowd was now pointing and shouting, and Lex realized that either he wasn't hallucinating, or that his hallucination had now extended to include this whole situation. Lex squared his prepared comments between his palms — he never used his notes, but he always had them anyway — and looked up at the floating man.

"Excuse me, but these are important proceedings," he said, casually straightening his tie. "Would you mind levitating your way back outside until I have a chance to wrap up the question period?"

The floating man landed gracefully beside Lex, smiling. "You are Lex Luthor."

"Security," Lex said, trying for a blase tone. He waved his hand up and towards the recently-floating man, indicating that he required a removal.

"You are fond of sexual intercourse," the man added cheerfully, and this time he happened to be close enough that the microphone on the podium picked up his remarks and broadcast them around the assembly. The reporters, who had maintained a shocked silence for all of a record twenty seconds, broke into fresh questions.

"Mr. Luthor, who is that man?"

"Mr. Luthor, is this a project under development at LexCorp?"

"Lex, can you confirm this man's statement?"

Lex blinked twice, carefully, then reached over and tried to find an off-switch on the microphone. There was none. "Can we please turn off the sound system?" Lex said, but his voice was swallowed up by the roar of commentary as the naked man suddenly seized Lex and ripped open his suit jacket. "Security!" Lex called again, angrily. He would not be thus accosted, especially not in public.

"I came all the way from Krypton in order to engage in sexual acts with you, Lex Luthor," said the naked man, stripping away Lex's shirt and casually tossing off the security men that went for him, knocking them out cold.

It was one thing for the press to speculate on Lex's condition of hairlessness, but photographic confirmation wasn't appropriate or necessary. And yet, he could tell by the sudden spangle of flashbulbs that his bare chest would be on the front pages of many papers the next morning. Lex decided to change tactics. "That's very considerate of you," he said, and realized as he did so that his voice was still being amplified. "But I have an ample supply of sexual partners available locally."

Let them write that quote in their captions, Lex thought, a little desperately, because the naked man was now — he was kissing his way down Lex's torso, and oh fuck, he was opening Lex's pants. The security men were still unconscious, Lex ascertained, and no wonder, because this man was strong. His hands pinioned Lex in place with their non-chalant hold on his hips. Pushing at the naked man's shoulders was like shoving at a brick wall. Lex was not going to receive a blow job in front of the entire Metropolitan press corps.

Oh, god, he was going to receive a blow job in front of the entire Metropolitan press corps.

"Stop," Lex ordered breathily, as the naked man mouthed him into full hardness. It was ludicrous that Lex should even be capable of an erection with this many cameras trained on him, but then, Lex admitted to himself, he'd always had a rather wide exhibitionist streak… and oh god, the naked man was talented with his tongue for a floating lunatic. "No, stop," he said again, less firmly, gripping handfuls of the man's dark short curls. The words echoed around the room, which had again tumbled into eerie silence.

No one needed to know that Lex Luthor was a groaner, but thirty mikes would now bear testament to the fact.

"Stop, I don't even know your name," Lex said, between gasps and breathy moans. "I don't know who you are." It was a lame excuse, not something Lex would have even contemplated for his unread notes, had he been given the chance to prepare for this aspect of the press conference, but it was the best Lex could do while he was having his brains sucked out of his cock in front of hundreds of people.

The man pulled off noisily and grinned up at Lex, jacking Lex's cock. "I am Kal-El. I am an extraterrestrial being from the planet Krypton. I have come here to lick you all over."

Lex came on Kal-El's face just as he realized that his xenophilic streak was even more pronounced than his exhibitionist tendencies.

***

Jor-El had shut off the holoscreen at work around the time when his son ripped off the Earthling's shirt. The boy really was something of an idiot. Of course he hadn't been raised on that planet, and of course these humans were not exactly a *civilized* people, but surely Kal-El could have projected that this really was an inappropriate venue for such an act. The boy had clogged up Jor-El's holobase with huge amounts of disgusting pornography from Earth — hadn't he learned anything from the films, other than this strange desire to touch and be touched?

"Lara, your son is a fool," Jor-El said, sitting down on the white enamel sofa and flipping through the holobase in an attempt to find some programming other than these obscene holovids. "Did you see what he did today on that Earth he's visiting?"

Lara was moving around their domicile, hydrating their domestic vegetation. "It's because you didn't play rababall with him when he was a little boy," she said sharply. "He lacked a paternal influence."

Jor-El rolled his eyes. Lara always went on about how Kal-El's flaws were his fault, as if the child hadn't hatched out of her seedpod. "Honestly, Lara, I don't see how that would have helped. We should have done as the physician said, and sent him off in a space shuttle when he was just a baby. Then we could have fed him that hololine about Krypton having been destroyed and we could have started fresh with a new seedpod."

Lara only sighed and moved on to the next pot of vegetation. They had had this conversation a hundred times before, after all.

"Besides, you smothered him when he was young," Jor-El couldn't help adding. "I remember that day you put your hand on the small of his back when he'd fallen and hurt himself. That sort of thing can warp a boy for life."

"Honestly, Jor-El," Lara said shortly. "Can't you just be glad he is gone for now?"

As far as Jor-El was concerned, that was practically an admission of guilt. He was prevented from saying as much, however, by his discovery of an old rababall tournament on the holobase.

The players wore such a satisfactory amount of protective gear.

***

"This," Lex said, hauling the flush-cheeked naked man to his feet, "was really very inappropriate."

The man — Kal-El? — was only grinning and swiping at the spatters of Lex's come that still adorned his face. "That was very pleasing," he said, beaming. "I wish to do it again."

Lex noticed one of his security team coming to, and he quickly seized his chance. "Yes, we must," he agreed, surreptitiously signalling to the guard. "Indeed. But first, can we go someplace a little more … secluded?"

Lex was still speaking too close to the mike, despite his best efforts, and so the crowd grew quieter again, obviously awaiting Kal-El's reply.

Kal-El appeared to consider Lex's suggestion, then smiled again, brilliantly, and nodded. "And then I will rim you," he suggested, taking Lex by the wrist, but not before Lex had managed to refasten his fly.

"Aha — yes," Lex half-laughed. "Yes, let's go, then."

He took Kal-El's hand and led him off the stage, listening with half his mind as the crowd burst into a roar of questions and speculations.

Lex had just come in public.

On a naked floating alien's face.

And it had been caught on film.

This was probably going to be rather bad for LexCorp's PR.

Kal-El looked unbelievably adorable in Lex's bathrobe. Obviously, he wasn't completely unfamiliar with the concept of clothing. Presumably, whatever method of travel he had used to arrive here had required nudity, or maybe he had simply thought it expedient, given his stated mission with regards to Lex.

Lex shook his head in disbelief, realizing that he already had accepted Kal-El's declaration that he was an alien. It made sense — the man had floated, for god's sake, had knocked out Lex's entire security team with one of his elbows — but it was probably the most ridiculous thought Lex had entertained in over a decade. Interstellar travel wasn't possible, physics forebade it, and even if it were, the odds of humanoid life on another planet were minimal, and even if it existed, the odds of that life being capable of flight was just counter to Newtonian laws, and — and –

Kal-El was pawing Lex again, and it was very distracting. They had retreated to Lex's penthouse to wait out the media storm that was no doubt descending at that exact moment. Lex's PR team was on it, and Lex's research team was on the man's mysterious arrival, and Lex's security force was arrayed all around the penthouse exits, ready to rush in if Lex pushed the panic button.

Which he was strangely uninclined to do. Now he had leisure to do so, Lex's visual study of the alien was returning highly favorable results.

Plainly put, the man was impossibly beautiful.

It was practically another check in the column of evidence supporting the extra-terrestrial theory.

"I wish to make you achieve sexual climax once more," Kal-El informed Lex, his hand slipping into Lex's trousers.

"Unh," said Lex.

"I hope you will not object if I seek my own pleasure as well, this time," Kal-El added, a little sheepishly. "You are very beautiful, and I have been in a state of arousal for several minutes."

"Glnrnds," said Lex. He hadn't ever managed to avoid a vowel for so many phonemes in a row.

"I am apologetic if my manner of approach was startling to you, earlier," Kal-El said, stripping Lex of his clothes more calmly this time. "I couldn't help it. You were too alluring."

"Aaaaa," Lex answered, having lost his consonants entirely by now, because his balls were being fondled ever-so-gently in that large, hot palm.

"Now I would like to penetrate your alimentary tract via the posterior-caudal terminus. Naturally I will prepare you with some sort of water-based lubricating solution, and if it will make you more comfortable, I can also utilize a latex prophylactic device on my –"

"Kal-El," Lex said, and was immediately startled that he had discovered his language center again.

"Yes, Lex Luthor?" Kal-El said brightly, releasing his hold on Lex's balls.

"Are you trying to say you want to fuck me?"

"That is the colloquial terminology," Kal-El said. "Would you prefer that I employ the vernacular in this case?"

Lex paused to think for a moment. He'd had hundreds of people ask him to fuck them, or tell him they wanted to fuck him. Sometimes they'd asked in tandem. Sometimes Lex had obliged. He hadn't just been bluffing about the sexual partners earlier at the press conference, after all.

This was the first time someone had informed Lex of his intention to penetrate Lex's alimentary tract, never mind which angle of approach one specified.

It was surprisingly hot.

"Say that part again, about the preparation and the lubricant," Lex ordered. "And I want to hear all about which digits you're planning to use."

***

"It's only a matter of time," Jor-El said boldly. "I have sent him to Earth as a rite of passage — my own father did the same to me, well I recall — and I'm sure when he returns, Kal-El will be ready to take his place in the Consulate."

Ben-Gay cleared his throat and reached out to shift one of his nelishon pieces on the board. "I'm sure you are right," he said in a placating tone.

Ben-Gay's son was already in the Consulate. Smug bastard.

"Did I mention that he will be acquiring the planet for slave trade while he is visiting?" Jor-El added casually. There, that should take some of the radiant wind out of Ben-Gay's solar sails.

Ben-Gay barked. It was a short noise that fell somewhere between a laugh and a cough. Jor-El frowned, suspecting that it had started out as the former and had been hastily transformed into the latter. "Is … is that so?" Ben-Gay smirked. "Because I have it on good authority that he's been playing master and slave the other way around."

Jor-El blinked.

Oh, gods, Lara had been gossiping again.

***

"Resistance is futility," Kal-El declared, pointing the ray-gun at Lex's head.

Lex sighed. "The word's futile, Kal-El."

Kal-El beamed and straddled Lex's naked hips, reaching up to tie Lex's wrists to the headboard. "I wish to probe your anus."

Lex groaned as Kal-El's heavy hard cock rubbed against his own. It had been a week since that press conference, and Lex had never been happier in his life.

He hadn't seen daylight in just as long.

"Say — say the thing about the –" he groaned, as Kal-El spread his legs and began his probe using his tongue.

Kal-El lifted his head and blinked, confused.

"About the –" Lex panted, wondering if it was possible to have too much gay alien sex. His brain seemed to have melted a little.

"Oh! You wish me to talk about enslaving your race," Kal-El deduced. He was getting much better at reading Lex's non-verbal cues. "About how I will take you back to Krypton and keep you on a leash."

"Gah," Lex said, and came.

"Let us trade roles," Kal-El suggested, untying Lex. "I wish you to probe my anus. My resistance is ineffectual."

"Futile," Lex corrected automatically, slowly regaining control of his limbs.

"I will take you to our leader," Kal-El added, speading himself out on Lex's mattress like a huge delicious alien puzzle.

"Only after I interrogate you and torture you," Lex corrected, rolling over to begin playing all over again. "Where did you leave the lead-lined blindfold?"

***

"Lara, why did you go and tell Ben-Gay's wife about Kal-El and that human chattel of his?" Jor-El grouched when he got home.

Lara was filing her nails idly. "It's hardly a secret, is it? Anyone could pick up the transmissions from Earth and see for themselves."

"Yes, but there's a difference between someone being able to find out, and someone being told flat-out," Jor-El answered testily, pouring himself a whopping glass of plor. It was nicely aged, had a heady scent of moldy yamagle to it, but Jor-El was in no mood to enjoy it.

"It's been a week already," Lara observed, blowing on her index finger.

"He will soon tire of the bald one," Jor-El predicted.

"He and the bald one have bought a summer home in a country called Greece," Lara said. "They are looking into more real estate in their home country."

Jor-El took a healthy swig of plor. It fizzed up his nose and out one nostril, making him cough.

"Well, these humans don't have a long lifespan, anyhow," Jor-El managed, over the coughing. "I remember one I knew, died from just having a little bitty hole punched in her chest. It can't be very long before the bald one exceeds his life expectancy. After all, he is already old enough to have lost all his hair."

"He lost it when he was a boy," Lara said. "Because of a Kryptonian meteor shower, actually — I think a garbage transport shuttle might have struck Earth. He is only one quarter through his Terran life cycle, and I believe the Kryptonite might have extended that life cycle indefinitely."

Jor-El thought about this for a minute. When he opened his mouth to speak again, Lara interrupted him.

"If you think I am spawning another seedpod at my age, you've had too much plor."

Women.

***

Lex had discovered that it really made more sense to keep Kal-El naked all the time. It saved money on clothing that got ripped off, and Kal-El's own body temperature was constant, no matter what the external conditions.

Besides, there was something delightfully extravagant, even for a billionaire, in coming home to a large naked housealien.

Kal-El sometimes wore a collar with a tag that had Lex's phone number in case he got lost.

It had been two months since the press conference, and by now the furor had settled somewhat, though the paparazzi were still rabidly seeking photos of Lex Luthor and his extraterrestrial lover. They were being more careful since Kal-El had set one of them on fire. The photographer had been filming Lex and Kal-El in flagrante delicto, and Kal-El insisted that the use of his heat vision was accidental, brought on by lust. Lex hadn't particularly cared either way.

The President phoned to gain Lex's reassurances that the 'alien threat' was being kept well in hand.

Lex happened to have Kal-El in hand at that very moment, so his confirmation was honest and whole-hearted.

"Who was that?" Kal-El asked as Lex hung up the phone and resumed his handjob with more vigor.

"The President of the United States," Lex replied.

"He is the leader you must take me to when I want to conquer Earth," Kal-El surmised, which made Lex pounce on him.

Try as he might, Lex couldn't keep Kal-El's speech patterns as fresh-off-the-ship as they had once been. He knew Kal-El was becoming assimilated the day that he asked if they were out of OJ.

Luckily, Kal-El was wearing nothing but his belled collar and a broken leather restraint when he asked, so the aesthetic aspect was thoroughly pleasing.

It should have meant that Lex's interest was waning, or that Kal-El's was, but the fact was, Lex felt like he was just now getting to know his own personal alien conqueror. Between their marathon sessions of sex, they began to impart stories of childhood, of their homeworlds. They compared notes on dealing with overbearing megalomaniac fathers. They discussed political ambitions — Kal-El's lack of same, and Lex's chances of becoming President now that he had climaxed on national television.

Kal-El was quite adamant that the public orgasm could only have increased Lex's odds. "You are — really hot," he explained, a little awkwardly. "When you — come."

"You're hot all the time," Lex answered fondly, and another round of sex began.

It might be Stockholm syndrome, Lex mused later, except that Lex wasn't really being held hostage. He usually tied the restraints himself.

***

"They have purchased some sort of feline domestic animal," Lara announced when Jor-El came in the door, half a year after Kal-El had departed for Earth. "Our AI informs me that this is the supreme symbol of commitment for human couplings of this kind."

Jor-El stared gloomily at the holoscreen, which was displaying Kal-El and the chattel as they played with the small furry creature. "He's not coming back, is he?" Jor-El asked.

"No, he isn't," Lara said. "You should have taken him to the ranarium more often."

"You shouldn't have let him touch your hair," Jor-El returned, but without conviction.

"He is a freak," Lara sighed.

"He must remain an outcast," Jor-El agreed.

"We will strike him from the family tree," Lara concluded.

Jor-El nodded reluctantly, still watching his strange son on the holoscreen as he reached over and kissed the bald one. "He seems… happy."

"He has found his place," Lara answered, almost tenderly.

***

"I have wondrous news, Lex!" Kal-El cried when Lex got home from work.

Kal-El had taken to wearing clothes again, mostly because their kitten tended to break her claws on his skin if he didn't. Standing in the front hallway, wearing jeans and a rugby shirt, the alien looked almost like an ordinary man.

Lex's heart surged with adoration.

"What's the good news, babe?" he asked, kissing Kal-El's cheek.

"I have received a holomessage from my parents!" Kal-El said enthusiastically, and Lex froze. This was it, then. The orders had come and Kal-El was leaving, or — worse — conquering Earth.

"Where's Judy?" Lex asked, seeking distraction, postponement. "Did you feed her yet today?" They had named the cat after Kal-El's favorite human singer.

"Lex, you must listen to me," Kal-El urged, seizing Lex by the shoulders. "My parents — they have consented to release me from my filial duties."

"They have –" Lex repeated, dazed by the brilliance of Kal-El's smile at close range. "You…?"

"I am relieved of my obligation to conquer Earth. They would have me stay here among you, as one of you."

Lex felt numb.

Kal-El's eyes clouded. "Lex, will you still wish to abide with me, even if I am no longer an alien conqueror?" He sounded so timorous, so gentle.

Lex felt a smile slip over his face. "You want to stay here?" he asked, disbelieving. "You want to stay with me?"

Kal-El's palm was cradling Lex's jaw. "Of course I do," he said tenderly. "I love you. Do you love me?"

Lex swallowed, unable to understand that this was true. "You'll need a secret identity. I think if we're clever about it, we can have you pass as human. Maybe get you a job of some kind, something where there's minimal interaction with other people, keep the suspicion low… and I'll have to come up with a cover story about how you — the alien you — left the planet and will not be returning. Or maybe we can just separate the alien you from the human you, give the alien some sort of public mission, a benevolent persona that people will view with respect and trust — and there could be a cape, I know you've missed flying–"

His words were stopped by Kal-El's warm mouth.

"Lex, do you love me?" Kal-El asked quietly, holding Lex still.

"With all my heart," Lex answered, his pulse pounding.

Kal-El kissed him again, more sweetly. "Come into the bedroom. Your plans can wait. First I'm going to tie you up and lick you all over."

Lex's cock hastily submitted its approval, and Lex followed its lead. "Your wish is my command, alien overlord," he whispered, and Kal-El did something he'd never done before.

He laughed.


End file.
